Just imagine you're giving Gerard Way the injection

My injections midterm went by really fast. 
Like, I thought I had to actually put the medicine into the syringe, change the needle, all that...but it was all just asked about. All i had to actually demonstrate was me putting the needle in. And i was doing an intramuscular injection, so it was...fairly easy. But i kinda forgot about the Z-track method. Oops...
Before the exam started, I was with my friend and she was fairly nervous. I asked her who her favorite "emo band dude" was and she said Gerard Way. I told her in response, "Then imagine you're giving Gerard Way the injection!" and she cheered up. 
After that i had two lab sessions. I kiiiinda slept through one...
My lab coat was on all day...

I've been really into drawing ecchi lately. I could say softcore porn but ecchi is less letters to type. Softcore porn (sad face) Softcore porn, Japan (happy face)
I don't know why this is. I really don't. But as I ease myself back into art, I find myself wanting to draw more of it...
I'm not going in depth on that here (looks around) but i also attribute it to me looking at GB doujins on mandarake and half of them being R18 kyankiri ones. Im not even into kyankiri. Id rather ship Sho with the 1000000x more famous than him (<- tasteless) guy nearly ten years older than him, anyways. But...the artstyles for some of them are just so charming to me. It inspires me to make more GB fanart of my own that no one will enjoy. It fills me with...DETERMINATION (bergentruckung starts playing)
Hey, speaking of, why did people stop making GB doujins after like 2017 anyways? I guess i could attribute it to the Puttsun Terebi thing, but even then, didnt they say doujins were ok? Even BL ones????? Tsk

Honestly, I find myself feeling not-that-nervous for anything exam related. Everything is just met with apathy. Not really apathy...just the feeling of not caring and wanting to succeed so no one makes fun of me or feels like they got something about me right. I just wanna pass and get it over with (lol) is that a bad thing????? I think it's a bad thing...

It's like, 2 AM. I should really be asleep but tomorrow's an off-day, so I don't really care. My mom wants me to wake up early (which i...hopefully will) but I'm a bad girl now. So I won't set an alarm. I'll wake up whenever. But hopefully before 11 AM. Haha...

I've been thinking a lot about how I think about art, too. It feels like there's a feeling; a lingering feeling that no one, quite literally no one, will want to see my art. It hurts. If no one wants it, then why should I keep making it? I'll just humiliate myself in the end. And it's not like I'm right, either. People do love what I draw. People have said my artstyle is nostalgic and cute. People have said nice things and theyve said them genuinely. I just siphon it out of me; I love everything I hear and truly take all the kindness to heart, but in a while, it all kind of goes blank. It feels like this is some cruel way of thinking that exists in my brain to my dismay. I wish i could just be kinder...(lol)
...and then i realize im thinking this over golden bomber ecchi and it hits me that its not like i feel this way over art that'll actually change the world for the better, so why do it for anyone's sake but mine. But, who knows. Maybe ten years from now there'll be another kinbakugya that'll like the art that i hated so much, intricately copying the details she finds cute and wishing I'd still upload art...maybe that's why i need to keep going? (lol)

...It's actually 3 AM.

Eheh...good night???????????????????????

I guess I'll be generous and share this.

~Cat

(Listening to Lost Angels gackt and kirisho duet) God just make it stop

It's a really weird time, isn't it?
Midterms are ever-so close; my first one is literally next Wednesday...i have to do one of three injection types, very basic ones, but i need to figure out how to actually get the medicine in the syringe and get used to things i may forget (aspiration...)
I've been alone most of the week. It feels kinda nice being so alone, but I can't keep being alone for too long, can I? (lol) I like being alone, though. Makes up for all the time i spend with others and i can walk around the house without worrying if anyone'll see me~ lol

So far, medical school is...fine? Some modules suck, others not so much. I study the lecture notes and hope for the best. I hate anatomy and professional medical development a lot. PMD isn't hard, and if anything some of its common sense. Like duh im gonna go to jail if i cut my foot off to skip performing a surgery on someone...it's just that i always mess it up. And it's supposed to be an easy module. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME SUCK AT IT IF IT'S SO EASY?????????????
I think the best course of action is to find what I suck at and force myself brutally and evilly to suck at it less. This means depriving myself of any stimuli until i memorize every axial joint and what degrees of movement each one allows

Ok can i...switch the topic? (lol)
I recently suffered a pretty bad period that was pill-induced, then a fever. I'll spare you the details (especially the period. It's pretty bad lol) but as I got sick, I started writing a...Gackt x Sho fanfic? So far, only two people have seen this fanfic. It was a first for a lot of things (namely smut), so it was definitely a nice step out of my comfort zone www when I showed it to Ari, she liked it despite not really being into Gakukiri (which i consider a win TBH. The...her liking it part, i mean ^^") AND she proposed we do a daruupa trade where she drew me Jun and Kenji, and I wrote her a Jun and Kenji fic. So far, I started it, and...that's about it (lol) but i hope to finish it before my midterms finish~~~ she already finished her part of the trade!!! It was really really cute and seeing it made my day so I'm hoping my fic lives up to how good her part was T_T I want reading it to be nice...I planned on making it bittersweet as per her request, but so far idk if it'll go in the bittersweet direction. Or maybe it will, actually, now that im thinking about it! (lol)
I honestly dont even know why I've started to like Gakukiri so much. I get scared interacting with content of him considering ~4 gackt fans give or take probably still remember my tasteless (but also kinda funny) tweet from a year ago and (probably rightfully so) hold a grudge against me for it. I like Gackt when he's kind to Sho. How far can his "kindness" towards him go? That thought strikes me as reallyyyyy hot.
(ahem)
This whole trade also made me think, wow, am i really the kind of person who deserves cute art from her friends? That's surprising...if i am. I feel like i can never do anything. I can barely draw, barely write, barely even blog, all i do is just hope i can get somewhere in life. So the thought of me getting something so nice strikes me as impossible sometimes and totally possible some other times. In the end, I feel thankful. I hope i can keep doing things that make me really deserve getting nice things from other people I cherish, both online and irl.

Has anything else of note happened...? Well, i met these two girls at uni. Apparently my cousin knows them, one of them went crazy when i mentioned her!!!! She seems very kind though, she liked my insta when i showed it to her and called it her "stimboard"...they're both really nice girls. I hope i can see them more often. <3 
I've been listening to WITHOUT YOU by Delaction feat. Chika a lot. It's my favorite Hime Trance song now.
If you actually read this...tell me what your favorite Hime Trance song is!

I want to live up to all the nice things people say about me. I really do. 
I'll work on the fic i owe ari then maybe go to bed...lol

Good night!

~Cat

Yeah, thank goodness

I really can't get used to any of this; i just can't! It feels like my life is changing way too fast...is college always like that? I haven't stayed in Egypt for such a long period of time since...well...2021...(lol) and now i have to do it all over again, but alone, and with a bunch of college stuff on my plate...

Yesterday, i got back from staying at my cousins house...it was really nice being with family. They were really kind to me, and it was just really heartwarming.
Me and my younger cousin played undertale, and we did a genocide route. We voiced the characters together (and ended up shouting our favorite lines really loud, effectively annoying everyone in the house), fought some of the big bosses together, and we even got GONER KID?!!??!?!?!?!? Baby's first (not) gaster related fun value event. I also ragequitted during sans

I haven't had it in me to blog. I know you've heard it time after time from me, but i just dont! I don't have it in me to do a lot of things, really. There's a lot i have to do, but it's not, like, a lot, you know?

I don't have it in me to do anything. All i can do is get angry. All i can do is get sick over and over and recover over and over. All i can do is try. I try and try. I avoid trying and i avoid trying...

~Cat

Sorry I Forgot To Blog I Was Too Busy Playing Undertale

(unrelated)

Haha...nice weather, huh? ^-^"

Ok, I have nothing to justify how much I've been slacking. Sorry! When you're finally done with uni documents YOU'LL wanna waste all your time gaming too

August is usually a polarizing month for me; it's my birthday month, but for the past two years, it's also been results month, and i never do THAT well so my results are...fine but also not. If it werent for me already being in uni id be doomed but...the least i can do is change ^-^" right...

I know it wont do anything, but im hoping i can change.

It's like 2 am and im trying to blog again...

I've been playing Undertale.

I've known about it for...as long as it's been a thing. I think.

It was through repeated exposure, really. Sans. Mostly. It was mostly Sans.

I didn't play it until now. 

It's very good.

The pacifist ending made me cry. I'm serious. 

I love Mettaton EX and i want him to start cooking all my meals...Maidatton EX? Housewifeton EX? Mywifeton EX? Mettaton S-EX? Get it? Do you get it

That's probably the name of some R18 Mettaton doujinshi...where can i buy it?

I'm currently doing a genocide run. Sans is really making me wanna reset my save file.

Besides that, I've been trying to go to the gym more! I didnt go today or yesterday, but i hope i can go tomorrow. I mostly just do cardio. It's going fine. It feels nice going again <3 Plus, exercising more means i can eat more! Yum! 

Yesterday, some clothes i got finally arrived! Nothing cool, just stuff i got while my mom was shopping off of the same store. I can't wait to style them~ 

I've been really into neutrals...and wrap-around blouses. They fit me so nicely, much better than hoodies. I bought a few for winter. 2 of them are navy blue and one is this green pattern. I dont remember ordering either but my mom insisted i keep them. I hate how good they look. I dont have much navy in my closet so i dont know what to pair with them...ugh.

I've also been really into 姫デコRosé. It's a very nice magazine...there's some scans of it on the galkurabu instagram and i like how easy the looks are. Theyre the best no-lashes and no-contacts make ive come across that isnt oldschool...being gal has never been easier!

I'm still debating whether im gal or not. Maybe i can call myself that once i thin my brows out...lol

Good night! I should probably sleep...

~Cat

A little talk

It happens every time...

Every time, without fail, i open a blogger window,

type a few lines,

save it as a draft,

and never come back to it again.

This summer has been tedious. For one, my Egypt trip involved a LOT of going to Cairo, surviving off of me and my mom's mobile data (lol), and finishing up college docs. 

College as a whole seems to be finalized ^.^ I'm officially a student, and i'm starting medical school. I know right? A total dweeb like me going into medical school (lol) truth is, i actually wanted to get into something web design related, but it requires taking AS math, and i am...not good at math. So that idea was scrapped in favor of Anything Else. It seems like more of the easier options (at least when it comes to Egypt) require math to some degree...actually, just about everything requires AS math. It's incredibly tough because it narrows your options really badly if you arent good at math. First world problems right?

Ive been trying to the best of my abilities to keep me getting into med school a secret. When i got PCOS last year, it made me think about how much i want to help other women not hate their bodies like i did at the time. I wanna get into gynecology, to be specific...

But finally getting in has made me come to this very weird epiphany that no matter how much i try, how much i succeed, how much i fail, i will never be as free as i am now ever again for the next 5 autumns of my life, maybe even more. I wonder how i can cope with that. Medical school's going to leave me too busy to even want to do anything anymore. At least, that's how i think it'll be. That and the social environment in Egypt is really different. Everyone's a micro-celeb of sorts, and they'll eat you alive if you're not. According to my mom, at least. Oh well. Too bad i like having a private instagram.

Generally, what's supposed to happen as soon as med school starts is a total change of the self. Everything i like can not be enjoyed unless i earn the right to enjoy it. 

I have to molt, figuratively speaking. Total change. Nothing can stay the same.

I guess only time will tell if i'll be able to handle med school...

I want to go to Japan sometime within the next two years; maybe once i get a hold of a job (so i dont rely on feloos mama w baba alone) and once i get around my med school schedule. Maybe before Kenji turns 50 or something. I don't know. But just becaue the wrappers got wrinkles doesnt mean it isnt sweet.........

I just really want to go; preferably alone, but i wouldnt mind taking someone with me. But it's gonna be tough there...all the cute 4D jellies have pork-derived whatever-the-hell in them, all the sushi uses sake to keep the rice together, and if im going to see a bunch of dudes prance around on-stage, the LEAST i can do is make sure no alcohol or pig meat enters my oh so beautiful mouth u,u of course, there ARE halal places in the country, no? 

Hmph...

but there is a bit of nuance on alcohol in food though, no?

I'm glad to still be here, at least. I got more CDs and DVDs lately, and i hope i can squeeze one last buyee haul before college starts...but that's impossible.

I got my hands on MUKASHI NO KINBAKU. I watched the first disc. Fun~~ four more discs to go...

I also found a flac file of this one song i was obsessed with a year or so ago, Marco by $WAGGOT. I'm not that deep into his stuff but that song is so catchy to me. Now i can keep it safe...forever.

Bye!

~Cat