good?
no?
...ok sure
ive been feeling like SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! which is why i figured id channel all my vitriol and rage into a blog post
i dont feel happy, like at all o-o my first exam is in a week and its for a subject im retaking for the third time. i shouldnt have to be in this situation. i worked my ass off the second time. why am i here a third time? this all feels redundant. i dont want to be here. i have other things to focus on. to be fair, retaking it this year was my idea...so i think im to blame >_> ugh
i feel like im only alive to see how everything will turn out. it all sucks now, but if its bad now, does that mean itll be good later? the answer's a bit of a mix; yes and no. it can get better but ive thought of things the same way and they have not gotten any better at all lol maybe i need a different approach
i wish everything could go in my favor but thats a selfish wish. i wish i could, at the very least, have internet friends that want me around in their bigger groups of friends. i feel like in terms of real-life friends, it's slowly getting better and i'm sure of it so no complaints there m(_ _)m i just WISH...i wish i wish i wish
i want my words to be taken seriously but ive joked too much to the point where no one thinks im ever serious. i want to have friends that love me, not *like me*, love me, but i isolate myself on purpose for my own sake to no avail. i dont want to retake this subject for the third time but i came up with the idea to do so since the syllabus is changing for the worse next year. notice the pattern? T_T it all ties back to me...what am i to do?
i think all i need is a cigarette and another buyee haul
i feel like maybe i need to get to the source of all these feelings , at least the ones that tie to people, and talk it out. truth is, i dont like most friend groups because i feel like i get along better with the people in them separately as compared to...in a group T_T all i can think is, what the hell did i do? i know that i mustve made one weird joke too much like 4 years ago because there is no way my social life could be any more mediocre than it is now. fuck this! (excuse my vulgarity)
its weird. i can be all angry over this; feeling like i have nothing when thats not the case, feeling all these strong emotions towards people, and the next day, ill just move on. thats the reality of it all. i can cry and sob over people but ill have to move on. regardless of it all, i choose not to stay stagnant because staying stagnant will ruin my life. in a few years, golden bomber will have disbanded because theyve gotten too old to run around on stage naked, ill probably get better and look back at this and either a) regret it or b) smile, ill have my dream job and a sexy rich husband and then ill be okay
good night
~Cat
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