Just imagine you're giving Gerard Way the injection

My injections midterm went by really fast. 
Like, I thought I had to actually put the medicine into the syringe, change the needle, all that...but it was all just asked about. All i had to actually demonstrate was me putting the needle in. And i was doing an intramuscular injection, so it was...fairly easy. But i kinda forgot about the Z-track method. Oops...
Before the exam started, I was with my friend and she was fairly nervous. I asked her who her favorite "emo band dude" was and she said Gerard Way. I told her in response, "Then imagine you're giving Gerard Way the injection!" and she cheered up. 
After that i had two lab sessions. I kiiiinda slept through one...
My lab coat was on all day...

I've been really into drawing ecchi lately. I could say softcore porn but ecchi is less letters to type. Softcore porn (sad face) Softcore porn, Japan (happy face)
I don't know why this is. I really don't. But as I ease myself back into art, I find myself wanting to draw more of it...
I'm not going in depth on that here (looks around) but i also attribute it to me looking at GB doujins on mandarake and half of them being R18 kyankiri ones. Im not even into kyankiri. Id rather ship Sho with the 1000000x more famous than him (<- tasteless) guy nearly ten years older than him, anyways. But...the artstyles for some of them are just so charming to me. It inspires me to make more GB fanart of my own that no one will enjoy. It fills me with...DETERMINATION (bergentruckung starts playing)
Hey, speaking of, why did people stop making GB doujins after like 2017 anyways? I guess i could attribute it to the Puttsun Terebi thing, but even then, didnt they say doujins were ok? Even BL ones????? Tsk

Honestly, I find myself feeling not-that-nervous for anything exam related. Everything is just met with apathy. Not really apathy...just the feeling of not caring and wanting to succeed so no one makes fun of me or feels like they got something about me right. I just wanna pass and get it over with (lol) is that a bad thing????? I think it's a bad thing...

It's like, 2 AM. I should really be asleep but tomorrow's an off-day, so I don't really care. My mom wants me to wake up early (which i...hopefully will) but I'm a bad girl now. So I won't set an alarm. I'll wake up whenever. But hopefully before 11 AM. Haha...

I've been thinking a lot about how I think about art, too. It feels like there's a feeling; a lingering feeling that no one, quite literally no one, will want to see my art. It hurts. If no one wants it, then why should I keep making it? I'll just humiliate myself in the end. And it's not like I'm right, either. People do love what I draw. People have said my artstyle is nostalgic and cute. People have said nice things and theyve said them genuinely. I just siphon it out of me; I love everything I hear and truly take all the kindness to heart, but in a while, it all kind of goes blank. It feels like this is some cruel way of thinking that exists in my brain to my dismay. I wish i could just be kinder...(lol)
...and then i realize im thinking this over golden bomber ecchi and it hits me that its not like i feel this way over art that'll actually change the world for the better, so why do it for anyone's sake but mine. But, who knows. Maybe ten years from now there'll be another kinbakugya that'll like the art that i hated so much, intricately copying the details she finds cute and wishing I'd still upload art...maybe that's why i need to keep going? (lol)

...It's actually 3 AM.

Eheh...good night???????????????????????

I guess I'll be generous and share this.

~Cat

(Listening to Lost Angels gackt and kirisho duet) God just make it stop

It's a really weird time, isn't it?
Midterms are ever-so close; my first one is literally next Wednesday...i have to do one of three injection types, very basic ones, but i need to figure out how to actually get the medicine in the syringe and get used to things i may forget (aspiration...)
I've been alone most of the week. It feels kinda nice being so alone, but I can't keep being alone for too long, can I? (lol) I like being alone, though. Makes up for all the time i spend with others and i can walk around the house without worrying if anyone'll see me~ lol

So far, medical school is...fine? Some modules suck, others not so much. I study the lecture notes and hope for the best. I hate anatomy and professional medical development a lot. PMD isn't hard, and if anything some of its common sense. Like duh im gonna go to jail if i cut my foot off to skip performing a surgery on someone...it's just that i always mess it up. And it's supposed to be an easy module. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME SUCK AT IT IF IT'S SO EASY?????????????
I think the best course of action is to find what I suck at and force myself brutally and evilly to suck at it less. This means depriving myself of any stimuli until i memorize every axial joint and what degrees of movement each one allows

Ok can i...switch the topic? (lol)
I recently suffered a pretty bad period that was pill-induced, then a fever. I'll spare you the details (especially the period. It's pretty bad lol) but as I got sick, I started writing a...Gackt x Sho fanfic? So far, only two people have seen this fanfic. It was a first for a lot of things (namely smut), so it was definitely a nice step out of my comfort zone www when I showed it to Ari, she liked it despite not really being into Gakukiri (which i consider a win TBH. The...her liking it part, i mean ^^") AND she proposed we do a daruupa trade where she drew me Jun and Kenji, and I wrote her a Jun and Kenji fic. So far, I started it, and...that's about it (lol) but i hope to finish it before my midterms finish~~~ she already finished her part of the trade!!! It was really really cute and seeing it made my day so I'm hoping my fic lives up to how good her part was T_T I want reading it to be nice...I planned on making it bittersweet as per her request, but so far idk if it'll go in the bittersweet direction. Or maybe it will, actually, now that im thinking about it! (lol)
I honestly dont even know why I've started to like Gakukiri so much. I get scared interacting with content of him considering ~4 gackt fans give or take probably still remember my tasteless (but also kinda funny) tweet from a year ago and (probably rightfully so) hold a grudge against me for it. I like Gackt when he's kind to Sho. How far can his "kindness" towards him go? That thought strikes me as reallyyyyy hot.
(ahem)
This whole trade also made me think, wow, am i really the kind of person who deserves cute art from her friends? That's surprising...if i am. I feel like i can never do anything. I can barely draw, barely write, barely even blog, all i do is just hope i can get somewhere in life. So the thought of me getting something so nice strikes me as impossible sometimes and totally possible some other times. In the end, I feel thankful. I hope i can keep doing things that make me really deserve getting nice things from other people I cherish, both online and irl.

Has anything else of note happened...? Well, i met these two girls at uni. Apparently my cousin knows them, one of them went crazy when i mentioned her!!!! She seems very kind though, she liked my insta when i showed it to her and called it her "stimboard"...they're both really nice girls. I hope i can see them more often. <3 
I've been listening to WITHOUT YOU by Delaction feat. Chika a lot. It's my favorite Hime Trance song now.
If you actually read this...tell me what your favorite Hime Trance song is!

I want to live up to all the nice things people say about me. I really do. 
I'll work on the fic i owe ari then maybe go to bed...lol

Good night!

~Cat