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| Divine sign from my laptop wallpaper |
I'm a suture that wasn't tied up well enough and now I'm being punctured into the same part of skin over and over, over, and over, and being untied over and over, infecting that patch of skin.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
Socially, I feel horrible. Mentally, I always fall into spirals I try and prevent.
It's been like this for weeks.
I'm beyond tired.
I say things I feel are way too stupid.
I don't feel as welcome as I did months ago in a lot of the social spaces I'm in.
I don't know what im doing wrong. I wanna be meaner. I wanna be nicer. I don't know who deserves what. I'm sure something I've done rings to a lot of the people I know as wrong but if only i knew what. I'm sick of me pushing myself into this kind of thinking. Blaming things like this on others does nothing but hurt their perception of me. Blaming it on myself makes me feel like utter garbage. I can't change myself because I have no idea what to change.
Time and time again everything feels like this. I try to post only about the positives in life here but I need to get this off my chest. I just feel so unwelcome no matter where I go and it's the last thing I need right now.
Am I only worth being around when im at my best?
What is it about me that makes me such a nuisance whenever im not at 100% power?
It's been like this for weeks.
I'm beyond tired.
I say things I feel are way too stupid.
I don't feel as welcome as I did months ago in a lot of the social spaces I'm in.
I don't know what im doing wrong. I wanna be meaner. I wanna be nicer. I don't know who deserves what. I'm sure something I've done rings to a lot of the people I know as wrong but if only i knew what. I'm sick of me pushing myself into this kind of thinking. Blaming things like this on others does nothing but hurt their perception of me. Blaming it on myself makes me feel like utter garbage. I can't change myself because I have no idea what to change.
Time and time again everything feels like this. I try to post only about the positives in life here but I need to get this off my chest. I just feel so unwelcome no matter where I go and it's the last thing I need right now.
Am I only worth being around when im at my best?
What is it about me that makes me such a nuisance whenever im not at 100% power?
I can easily point out things about myself that I know would make people think that. I talk about the same things a lot. I tend to talk about life events that most people can't really relate to. Those things probably make for a less than optimal friend (lol). I feel like it's something deeper, though. Something intrinsic and specific to me that I'm not really aware of. Not something cliche like "oh~~~ im just too nice desu~~~~~"...if it were, that'd be a miracle (lol).
To be fair, it's not like everyone has it easy, either. A lot of the time, these feelings can be explained with "people are getting busier". And it's true...it really is like that, especially now that the year's almost over. I've been getting busier too. I hope that that's how it's like, truly. Maybe something is just convincing me it's my social life crumbling when it's really just people getting busier (lol)
I don't know. I think I just want to fade into nothing until the month's over.
Mental stuff aside...this module's just been garbage (lol). I've never been this convinced I'm failing something until now. I couldn't own up to it.
I'm horrible. I kept thinking I'd get by and in the end I don't think I can. It's probably divine retribution for all the times I kept thinking of myself as anything but a fraud.
My end of module exam was shitty. My practical was shitty. My final is all I have carrying my GPA. If I retake this module I dont think id be able to handle all the pain of not owning up to something as big as this...not to mention I still have an elective exam and two practicals...which wouldnt be a problem if they didnt clash with my new module's schedule...everything is crushing me T.T T.T T.T T.T uguuuuu
I don't have the social battery for anything (lol)
I'm horrible. I kept thinking I'd get by and in the end I don't think I can. It's probably divine retribution for all the times I kept thinking of myself as anything but a fraud.
My end of module exam was shitty. My practical was shitty. My final is all I have carrying my GPA. If I retake this module I dont think id be able to handle all the pain of not owning up to something as big as this...not to mention I still have an elective exam and two practicals...which wouldnt be a problem if they didnt clash with my new module's schedule...everything is crushing me T.T T.T T.T T.T uguuuuu
I don't have the social battery for anything (lol)
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| A little drawing of Makkoli and Jack |
Well...it's winter now.
I've been waiting for it since the start of my uni year.
The year itself is slowly coming to a close...
I've been waiting for it since the start of my uni year.
The year itself is slowly coming to a close...
No matter what changes, there's one constant to look forward to...the sun sets at 5:30 pm every day (smile). I enjoy that part of winter a ton. Earlier sunsets feel reassuring combined with the cold weather...like a warm hug that tells you "Hey, it's alright. The day's over...you did what you could and thats enough for me. Finish up the rest of your stuff and sleep early ^.^".
Yay for cute clothes!
Yay for cute clothes!
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| A cute-ish outfit. Was going out to eat with family~ |
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| Successfully attached my Yarebadekiru Ko tour Kenji keychain to my LL bag. #PeriodAccurateLARPs #TastefulLARPs |
Truth be told, the bag's perfectly cute without the keychain but...you know. A little flair never hurt anyone.
My family came to visit, so last week was nice (unlike whatever's gonna happen next week). It was such a nice surprise...my mom gave me a Burberry perfume that she got gifted. My Burberry Blush to be specific...it's really nice ^u^ kinda sweet...and fruity...i love sweet and fruity perfumes...(nosebleed) I even got to smell her Miss Dior perfume. I want it...
They were both birthday gifts, but my mom didn't really like My Burberry Blush so she gave it to me. I'm gonna use it so bad...new after-shower perfume maybe?
They were both birthday gifts, but my mom didn't really like My Burberry Blush so she gave it to me. I'm gonna use it so bad...new after-shower perfume maybe?
Yesterday I asked my parents if I could buy a 2 dollar purikura app...
In case you couldnt tell it was worth every cent
These days, Makkoli Mokkoli (yes thats his name. dont ask axez always names his human characters some bullshit) is my saving grace. Having elaborate sex fantasies with him is the only thing preventing me from going 100% crazy. He's my morning coffee...not in the sense that he gives me energy...he gives me severe tachycardia actually. Its so bad I genuinely consider taking my propranolol again
I really am grateful for his presence as a character. I couldve been born in the 1900s drinking iodine or something and exposing my wounds to the elements but instead im in 2026 fangirling over criminal cult leader with guns. God's timing...u know...
There was this one fanartist who drew really sexy r15 of him but they deactivated earlier this year and i miss their art so bad. PLEASE NOSI BUNCH OF NUMBERS COME BACKKKKK (bangs metal door) there was this one drawing of him flashing a bikini top underneath his robe and it was so hot. If only i saved it or something (sigh)
There was this one fanartist who drew really sexy r15 of him but they deactivated earlier this year and i miss their art so bad. PLEASE NOSI BUNCH OF NUMBERS COME BACKKKKK (bangs metal door) there was this one drawing of him flashing a bikini top underneath his robe and it was so hot. If only i saved it or something (sigh)
It's way too late...
Writing this helped me self-regulate and whatnot ^.^ This post is too embarrassing to share, though. Ah well...
Good night!
Writing this helped me self-regulate and whatnot ^.^ This post is too embarrassing to share, though. Ah well...
Good night!
~Cat
