It's still the 31st!

 

As of writing this, it is...
7:43 p.m, December 31st.
Last blog post of 2025, huh?

Man, compared to last year, and the year before that, i feel like i have literally nothing to say. But so much has happened, and I spent a good chunk of the year in Egypt, which i havent done before. 
I don't know how to even describe how I've changed this year. I don't know how to describe how I've engaged with my hobbies. All i know is I spent a shit ton on Golden Bomber merch.

...worth it. 0u0

I guess i'll start with what i found most pathetic about 2025, so i can end the post off on a positive note. Bear with me!!
First off, i got too discouraged to draw a ton of times. And it was for a dumb reason...i kept focusing too much on how others did it. How come i didnt seem to get anywhere at all? I was grateful a lot of my mutuals loved it, but no one outside of my circle of (very lovely) mutuals and (very lovely) friends seemed to care.
Looking back at it...
Maybe i was too harsh on myself. But also, my art was not the best; it was cute, but was it deserving of other peoples' attention? That's the kind of question i ruminate over every once in a while. For one, it is very amateurish, no matter how much i drew, it still ended up amateurish, and i feel like it had nothing going for it.
I really cant help but wish i couldve had a better motivation. Not focusing on how other people seemed to get better engagement didnt seem to help because the thought i was trying to get rid of was still being considered in that same phrase, not ignored. It was pathetic of me...but i hope i can at least try to draw for myself. I just wish i knew how to approach that hobby without being discouraged so easily, because drawing is actually kinda fun when i know what im doing (lol) but i do find myself struggling more often than not. I can't promise i'll draw again, but i'd like to at least try. I'm a bit conflicted as to whether i should get back to sharing it publically, or keep sharing it privately between me and my friends.

But one question remains; have I changed? Like, as a person? No matter what, i'm still selfish at my very core. I get what i want too easily, even though I think i should, i feel like i could be a bit more humble...but ive had friends say im quite the opposite; im altruistic and kind. I feel like, for my sake, i should accept this. I can be kind. I am kind. I am selfless. I am compassionate.
As much as i believe it, i also want to work towards these things like im not altruistic. I feel like itll make me better in a passive way...

I also have no idea if my PCOS has gotten any better despite me walking so much in a day.

That and also, i failed a-level bio. 
Not much to say about that =u=

This year had some positives though.

For one, i bought a shit ton of golden bomber merch, as stated. My DVD collection is as big as ever, with DVDs i never thought id buy!! Mukashi no Kinbaku and the limited ver of Yarebadekiru Ko have to be some of my best gets for DVDs this year. Such fun watches; Yarebadekiru Ko has a wonderful setlist and stageplay, and MNK is an absolute goldmine if you like nostalgic GB content. After all, all the stageplays are re-creations of their older stageplays. The whole premise of this tour is "nostalgia sells", just executed really really cool-ly! It's a very wonderful watch, and i think it should be easy to find it physically. I found mine for 1000 yen, which, for a DVD with 5 discs, is a steal!!!
I think DVDs are very very fun to collect, you should collect them too~! 0u0 
I also got...a Tralala mirror that i love, a Kenji akusta that i LOVE, and Golden Bomber towels that i promise i'll hang up in my room someday, bro. Trust me. 0u0

I started university. University gave me shitty modules (talking about anatomy. FUCK YOU), but it gave me...an actual friend group :,> 
At first, i only knew like three people, give or take, but now i'm in an actual group?!? And im included?!? What?!?!?!?
I'm endlessly grateful for them. They all make me laugh so much ;u; theyve been nothing but kind to me, and i hope i can get closer and closer to them next year...<3 I really dont appreciate them enough, and i should send them all messages wishing them a happy new year once i finish this post (lol)
Being alone for weeks at a time...it's made me feel pretty confident in myself, pretty independent and happy. I've also gotten to see some of my family, and gotten to see other parts of Cairo that i think are really really cool!!

I got to write a fic for someone for the first time!! It was a Daruupa fic i wrote for my friend Ari. Here it is to refresh your mind and also for shameless self-promo. I've written fics with other people in mind, but the main person who'd read my fics ended up being an abusive POS and as such it made me stray away from the hobby for a while. I only ever wrote basic <1k word fluff, but it was fun. It feels nice to be free from all that association. I hope I can write more. I wanna try and make doujinshi of my own, whether it be in novel or art form...

I got to practice gal makeup. I am still very lazy with it, but i got the basics down...all i need now are bottom lashes! ^u^ and maybe better skin that can tolerate foundation more...

I also want to thank all my blogger friends, by name this time!!

Thank you S for always being funny and encouraging me to blog about all the fun things in life through your own posts. Your decoblend edits are cute, and conversations with you never fail to make me giggle. To think we got so close because of a dumb meme i sent you...i could cry ;u;

Thank you Heni for always being supportive of my art, my writing, and my presence in clam. And thanks to everyone in clam, actually! All of you are great, and getting to reconnect with you all through this server has been one of the highlights of my year...<3

Thank you Ari for being as pervy towards Jun and Kenji as I am (lol)...jokes aside, youre as kind as you are cool, and it takes a lot to somehow be both!! Youve given me a reason to get back into writing, and i cant be grateful enough to be considered your friend. Keep striving!!

Thank you Rue for always being a source of unbridled joy in my life. No matter what you go through, you stay compassionate, and that in and of itself makes you better than you think. Youre my sister from another mister...(as in we're both arab and cute kimoi otaku girls who are waaaaaaaay too perverted towards their fave dudes)

And, thank YOU! THE PERSON READING THIS! Whether we've talked all year, or not at all, i'm still thankful for you, whoever you may be. ^u^

So, as much as i hate resolutions, here are some goals i'd like to achieve in 2026. I dont want to be too harsh on myself if i dont achieve them; but i'd like to work towards them:

~Getting by academically; getting good grades to the best of my ability.
~Improving my makeup skills.
~Make at least one full-blown doujinshi, preferably a Gakukiri or Daruupa one. Novel or fanfic, manga, doesnt matter...
~Going to Japan and seeing GB live. Id probably have to start saving from next year onwards, though...assuming i'd go in the summer. And that id do good academically to justify something so pricey!!
~Being kinder and more altruistic like people say i am; those words mean a lot to me, and as much as i accept them, i also want to live up to them as much as possible.
~Yes, buy more Kenji merch, but maybe rarer things...
~READ BOOKS!!!!! I WANNA READ IN THE MISO SOUP AND DARKLY DREAMING DEXTER!!!! AND ALSO HOUSE OF LEAVES, FOR SOME REASON!!!!

Bye, and have a happy 2026 full of indulgent cute things~~

(P.S, this is post number 69 for me. Nice.)

~Cat

ana_ta3bana.awy@yahoo

...
The title's a reference. It's a reference to an Ahmed Mekky movie. 

My friend just posted on her blog so I'm pulling a Koichi (u know, the drummer of the vkei band GUILD) and blogging not long after she does to bring her ranking down and piss her off. Koichi did it with Kenji, i can do it with her too.
...speaking of, i never liked that band name because it sounds identical to the arabic word for skin (said literally the same way lol). I mean, its a nice name, its just a funny coincidence is all. Koboresou na dermis no oku kara

Long-ish time no post~~~ I've been too busy chilling with my uni tomodachis and being a lazy bum. Funny thing is, i actually had a draft for a post.
It seems to not exist anymore.
I thought it autosaved.
It did not.
So i start from scratch...

In terms of personal talk...i did good in my midterms. Im very happy about that. Im not happy about finals. And practicals. I just finished my surgical simulation practical, and I'm nervous. There is...someone at university that makes me nervous. I'm keeping it vague but I don't know how i feel about him. At first i really liked him, but i'm not sure if that's the case anymore, it feels like he's changed a bit. I don't know how much longer I can be kind, but sacrificing my kindness is risky. It's whatever though.

Anyways~~ I've had a fair amount of fun this past week or so. I've been slacking on blogging about it all, though...but the two funnest things have been as follows: going to the mall on my own and going to see my friend for her birthday...

SO. The mall i went to is this pretty huge one~ It's at the entrance of the city so it's a bit of a...long ride. Still, very fun. 
I originally planned to tell NO ONE. But then i told my mom, because of course I did.

I took a very reasonable amount of time to prepare. Totally...
Of course, i had to take pics of the clutter from glamming myself up...

It got boring fast for some reason. Whether it's a me problem or not, I have no idea. It was nice walking all those steps though.
The one interesting thing was getting to do my usual Loser's Oshikatsu at whichever random cafe i felt like emotionally terrorizing with my iPhone 6 and Kenji akusta.

Ew, this picture is sooooooooooooooooooo ugly! Let me fix it up.

There we go~~~ All i did was give it botox (edit it with decoalbum) then some filler (edit it with decoblend) THEN some more botox (edit it with decoalbum so i can add the oshimen sticker). Do you like it? Say yes or youre fucking done for

My makeup was as follows:
Revolution basic matte eyeshadow but only the black shade for a makeshift smoky eye of sorts
Essence eyeliner pencil for a decent-looking waterline
Victorias secret lipgloss in strawberry fizz iirc? Either it or sugar high...and some concealer before it.

I had to edit this one bad because...my hand and face were two different shades, dude ;_; tell me i look cute, or i'll go crazy!

...I really need some circle lens, gosh.

OK. A week later, it was my uni friend's birthday.
She doesn't know i blog...so I'll only show my pics, or something (lol) I wouldn't mind telling her though. I'd give my uni friends the URL tbh...im just shy (lol)

Ok, but before i show off the gifts, here's what i got for myself.
New lashes and some winter gloves.
The winter gloves are a bit too big...
The lashes are cute~~~

Obligatory clutter pic...if you havent already, do peep my JC perfume~~~ It's very nice, and i want another.

OK! Here's what I got her.
WALLET: Because why not?
CHOCO NOTEBOOK: It was funny. And it's practical.
LEATHER BRACELETS: Seems like something she'd wear.
(NOT SHOWN) SET OF SILVER PYRAMIDS: Because why not?!
The bookstore i got the choco notebook from had my favorite Dork Diaries book; HOLIDAY HEARTBREAK. I wanted it, but i already got myself stuff...it was 500 egp, no idea if id even wanna buy it anyways (lol)

Subpar selfie before i leave.

It was another long ride~ but the place she's at is very very VERY nice, so it was very much worth it. There's this nice outdoors shopping center-type place in the same city, and passing by it made me think...wow, i wanna go to more parts of Cairo on my own. ;^; Maybe even just this country as a whole. 

It ended up being a bit of a small function~~ it was me, the b-day girl herself, and two friends. 
We had tiramisu; delicious tiramisu. Doesnt compare to the one the cafe back home that shut down had...but still good. (lol)

We watched a documentary on...orgasms. 
It was my idea.
I'm sorry.

B-day girl's friend really really likes Salaheldin Ayoubi. The Egyptian sultan, Salaheldin Ayoubi. She's cool though~ I get it. I was really into Horus as a kid...i'd imagine myself being his wife?????? I was like 8...

SO. After a shit ton of talking and laughing, we watched Teer Enta, my favorite Ahmed Mekky movie ever. He was really hot as a whitewashed dude...not much to say but i needed him bad. 

I left at around 9 PM and had nachos for dinner~~~
I'm really craving them again...but i gotta wait til the weekend!!!

Look into my pa-gyaru eyes.

I pinky promise I had mascara on my bottom lashes...

Today, I downloaded the Utatte Kiririnpa album. I love love love the Mousou Nikki cover, and the cover of Saudade is also pretty (chefs kiss)...the Vanilla cover is a cover, it's of Vanilla, you know,

...

That's just about every notable thing.

Bye!

~Cat

Little Recap ~~~

 

It's getting cold now.
The cold here isn't one I'm really used to, per se~~ I've stayed here in the winter before and all, but...i havent experienced it on my own, not like this. It's not sunny anymore, and if anything, it actually rained yesterday. Not at uni...but just in Cairo, generally (lol). Seems like my bitching paid off, and now the weather is actually pleasant...even though i'll have to do a LOT to get cozy, i'll have to put on a bunch of face creams so my face doesnt peel, lots of blankets, just a lot of stuff!!! 

My first practical exam is this Sunday. I'd assume it's probably one of my only practical exams, because we didnt even get a schedule for all our practicals...it's a biochem practical where we have to do like, both colorimetry AND a urine analysis test, or maybe it's one or the other. Man...it's not that difficult but i cant really practice it like i did with injections since we have to use a colorimeter and stuff...not that easy for at-home practice (lol)

Yesterday was a pretty busy day.
When i woke up, my friend called me as i was getting ready~ 
She was calling me from the karaoke room of all places (lol) I got her to sing Trauma Kyabajou through brute force and coercion (asking her in a really annoying way) and the second she sung, i screamed really loudly as if i was fangirling, so i probably ruined her score. Sorry. She also showed me this karaoke-exclusive video for 101 Kaime no Noroi. Kenji was really dumb the whole time. I liked it. 

Then i left for uni. It was a pretty short day; I only had two labs. My anatomy lab was embarassing. My histology lab ended in less than 20 minutes...? I couldnt get my portfolios signed, though. Forgot them at my dorm and i wasnt expecting to stay another week alone. Hopefully next week i remember. After it, i had to meet my aunt because she had come here for a bit, so i had lunch over at her place. I had to wait a whole hour for it. That was ok, but then, two of my cousin's cousins visited? And one of them said something pretty stupid about me. Whatever. I left not long after that. Couldn't handle it...

Barely even got to see my girls that day!!! It feels nice being a part of a friend group...they seem to really like me, they accept me for my perverted-ness AND they see me as a kind and cute girl????? I cant believe it...i'm already chatting w them outside of uni but i wanna hang out with them too! Hopefully without skipping any classes (lol)

The night was a bit of a waste. After i studied, i called that same friend again for 4 hours straight. It was like 2 am for her or something so she was muted the whole time, but she sent well over 1,000 messages of bullshit that made me giggle really bad. I read this Aki x Tsurugi fanfic to her and it had us laughing, then i read MY Gackt x Sho fanfic and it had us laughing even more. Probably because i kept giving everyone funny voices. She kept making fun of my (very easy to make fun of) dialogue for Gackt, and i laughed so bad my face hurt. Then, we drew on Magma and i was so irritated by how the brushes looked like shit because i was using my finger to draw. Ugh...regardless, it was so so so so so so fun.

Then i worked on my fic some more and...overslept, causing me to miss the whole day. Well, i woke up at 10 AM but my mom was like "well if you wanna go back to sleep, you can!" so i did because who knows just how often i'll have the privilege of sleeping in during lecture hell day!!! (lol) Hopefully that doesnt happen again, though. 

...
Hey, do you remember that trade between me and Ari?
Well, i finished it, and put it up on AO3. 
Here it is! It's just a simple 2.2k word fluff fic, i explain a bit more in the note. Ari really liked it so i hope you do too!!!!
I'll be honest...it feels like i regressed. In terms of fic writing, i mean. I know it's just a hobby, but...i feel like my descriptive skills especially regressed a lot, and IDK what to do about that ;A; hmm...

Bye!

~Cat

Snip Snip

 

Tumblr actually isnt that bad. I've just gotten bored of it for seemingly no reason...no one's there. Or so it seems. But it's nice writing text posts on there. I forgot how cathartic it is...
Weeellllll. It's another weekend~ I'm back at my place and i'm somewhat free, like i always am, every week. I think eating is slowly becoming less of a torturous task, but still, whenever i make myself food in the dorms air fryer, there's this weird smell. Apparently its normal for my air fryer, but it makes me not wanna eat. I feel like whatever weight i may have lost (probably just like 2 pounds let's be honest lol) while i wasnt eating much is suddenly back now...no idea how to feel about that? Kinda sad my stupidity took me to the point where i literally had to be disgusted by food in order to lose any weight at all...well, ive been walking more again, bit by bit. I used to average like 5-7k steps a day, maybe even 10k, but after my family came to visit, my average suddenly went down by a ton!!!!! ;A; noooo...

Recently, I've been having these bouts of dizziness that make studying pretty difficult. Not sure what they could be. So, i suppose this is what my life is now.
But, my practicals are in...nearly two weeks. I have to get over myself!!!! I think every module has its own practical, but i only know for sure that biochem is one i have. It's unclear for everything else ;_; Well, i guess i'll just read my lectures on my phone.
Before i go back home for vacation this January, i really wanna have a buyee haul. But my mom says i'll have to do this weird thing called "proving myself". But i dont think it needs all that anymore. Associating buyee hauls with my grades has brought hell upon my life. There are other things i can prove myself with...i think. Plus, maybe i can include something for my brother since January's his birthmonth...maybe some JP fangamer exclusive deltarune merch since he likes deltarune. But his interests change a lot so i dont know...but i also can not bring that idea up. It'll come off as selfish...

Another thing that's been torturing me is Waive disbandment. I love them so much. I've only known them for two years but i love them so much, especially Yoshinori. I'm so sad to see them go. I hope it means maybe we'll get some YS solo work, but i doubt it...I'm so sad about it. Really...
I wanna go to Japan and see them on their last live!!!
Anyways, I'll stop being pathetic now lol

Yesterday, I got a haircut. 
It was after uni; since it was a Thursday, it was what i like to call "lecture hell" day. I could barely stay awake during the first two...anyways, once it was all over, i went to a mall to go...get a haircut! 
I was two whole entrances away from where the salon was. And it's a huge mall...so i had to do a ton of walking. By the time i got there, i was a nervous mess. I asked for a sidepart, and didnt get a sidepart, at least not the one i wanted. I got this cute face framing thing going on though.
I haven't cut my hair in well over half a year...even then, it was a simple cut, nothing major. The last time i went to a hair salon though, that was July 2024...lol. I really suck at taking care of my hair. Sometimes i go days at a time without brushing it. It tangles fairly easy. The fact it still grows is a miracle...on the way home, i panicked over how it looks, but when i went home, i really liked it. It kinda looks like typical gal model hair. Kinda. It's really cute. Trust me.

...I'll add a picture whenever i can. Hehe.

Today was pretty quiet. Mostly, i just studied and paced around the house to get my steps in. I think, tomorrow, I want to go to my favorite cafe and eat breakfast there. I wanna stay here longer. Maybe go back to the dorm on Monday instead. Hm...

Bye!

~Cat

12th month, last month...

 

Oh god. 
Today was my very last midterm; it was a pretty easy practical exam on this module we have called "Early Clinical Exposure". I had to ask a doctor pretending to be a patient some questions to reach a diagnosis and its one of two scenarios; either theyre suffering from a cough, or theyve been vomiting...i got vomiting, which, ok, i studied that, that's fine. But the exam itself...god. Not even two questions in and the doctor hits me with the "where were you born? your arabic's kinda weak." and now i'm like, SHIT, do i have to tell you? Well, i was born outside of Egypt, spent my formative years mostly speaking english, so...i guess that explains it? Anywho, it caught me offguard and i ended up forgetting to ask about exacerbating and relieving factors, as well as misc. symptoms that i probably didnt lose much marks over...ugh. Talking to my mom about it calmed me down, but I'm still pretty sad. I really can't help but be sad. It's not good though...

It's gotten pleasantly cold...is what i would say if it got pleasantly cold. God, the weather here SUCKS. It's all nice and winter cold~ cute~ until it's 2pm and SUDDENLY it's sunny again???????????? Seriously, you guys.
Everyone reading this...
Stop contributing to global warming, i want a nice winter. Really. I don't want it to go back to 28C in the middle of the day for no reason.

...
It was Kenji's birthday 5 days ago. I couldn't do anything that day. I also forgot to write a nice blog post or do anything meaningful for it. All i did was retweet fanart.
I feel very bad for wasting ketsuba like this.
I am a very bad person. (No I'm not but I'll pretend i am if i have to)
I'm gonna get some molten chocolate cake whenever i can to make up for it...
Also, did you hear he's not gonna do SASUKE this year? I'm pretty sad about it...but considering his health as well as tour activities play into why...i wont let it make me irrationally sad or anything. That and also he's been showing allergy symptoms because he's been overtraining. It was so bad, GACKT of all people wrote his long twitter threads talking about it. It hits me right here dude (hits my right boob) it hits me in my heart where it hurts
It's nice seeing Kyan avenge him like he always does. And even nicer to see Hikaru isn't gonna be there because i honestly kinda hate snowman. Don't tell anyone.

I haven't been keeping up with my friends' blogs too well either. Sorry you guys...
I don't have much of a reason (shrug) i'm pretty lazy~~~~ lol

Well, i dont want to have to tag this as a minipost because of how short of a read it is, but i think this is all i have to say that's of note. I listened to findher.ogg and had to try not to cry. I started a draft of something. I'm starting a lot of things. Getting back into art ended up reviving kind of a new fear that i'll abandon it like i do with every other hobby, then have a moment of lucidity where it's all i want to do. It happened with my website...but i think it's different with drawing, now that only certain people (very supportive, lovely people too for that matter) see it...

I won't lose to laziness this time m(_ _)m 

Bye!

~Cat

Just imagine you're giving Gerard Way the injection

My injections midterm went by really fast. 
Like, I thought I had to actually put the medicine into the syringe, change the needle, all that...but it was all just asked about. All i had to actually demonstrate was me putting the needle in. And i was doing an intramuscular injection, so it was...fairly easy. But i kinda forgot about the Z-track method. Oops...
Before the exam started, I was with my friend and she was fairly nervous. I asked her who her favorite "emo band dude" was and she said Gerard Way. I told her in response, "Then imagine you're giving Gerard Way the injection!" and she cheered up. 
After that i had two lab sessions. I kiiiinda slept through one...
My lab coat was on all day...

I've been really into drawing ecchi lately. I could say softcore porn but ecchi is less letters to type. Softcore porn (sad face) Softcore porn, Japan (happy face)
I don't know why this is. I really don't. But as I ease myself back into art, I find myself wanting to draw more of it...
I'm not going in depth on that here (looks around) but i also attribute it to me looking at GB doujins on mandarake and half of them being R18 kyankiri ones. Im not even into kyankiri. Id rather ship Sho with the 1000000x more famous than him (<- tasteless) guy nearly ten years older than him, anyways. But...the artstyles for some of them are just so charming to me. It inspires me to make more GB fanart of my own that no one will enjoy. It fills me with...DETERMINATION (bergentruckung starts playing)
Hey, speaking of, why did people stop making GB doujins after like 2017 anyways? I guess i could attribute it to the Puttsun Terebi thing, but even then, didnt they say doujins were ok? Even BL ones????? Tsk

Honestly, I find myself feeling not-that-nervous for anything exam related. Everything is just met with apathy. Not really apathy...just the feeling of not caring and wanting to succeed so no one makes fun of me or feels like they got something about me right. I just wanna pass and get it over with (lol) is that a bad thing????? I think it's a bad thing...

It's like, 2 AM. I should really be asleep but tomorrow's an off-day, so I don't really care. My mom wants me to wake up early (which i...hopefully will) but I'm a bad girl now. So I won't set an alarm. I'll wake up whenever. But hopefully before 11 AM. Haha...

I've been thinking a lot about how I think about art, too. It feels like there's a feeling; a lingering feeling that no one, quite literally no one, will want to see my art. It hurts. If no one wants it, then why should I keep making it? I'll just humiliate myself in the end. And it's not like I'm right, either. People do love what I draw. People have said my artstyle is nostalgic and cute. People have said nice things and theyve said them genuinely. I just siphon it out of me; I love everything I hear and truly take all the kindness to heart, but in a while, it all kind of goes blank. It feels like this is some cruel way of thinking that exists in my brain to my dismay. I wish i could just be kinder...(lol)
...and then i realize im thinking this over golden bomber ecchi and it hits me that its not like i feel this way over art that'll actually change the world for the better, so why do it for anyone's sake but mine. But, who knows. Maybe ten years from now there'll be another kinbakugya that'll like the art that i hated so much, intricately copying the details she finds cute and wishing I'd still upload art...maybe that's why i need to keep going? (lol)

...It's actually 3 AM.

Eheh...good night???????????????????????

I guess I'll be generous and share this.

~Cat

(Listening to Lost Angels gackt and kirisho duet) God just make it stop

It's a really weird time, isn't it?
Midterms are ever-so close; my first one is literally next Wednesday...i have to do one of three injection types, very basic ones, but i need to figure out how to actually get the medicine in the syringe and get used to things i may forget (aspiration...)
I've been alone most of the week. It feels kinda nice being so alone, but I can't keep being alone for too long, can I? (lol) I like being alone, though. Makes up for all the time i spend with others and i can walk around the house without worrying if anyone'll see me~ lol

So far, medical school is...fine? Some modules suck, others not so much. I study the lecture notes and hope for the best. I hate anatomy and professional medical development a lot. PMD isn't hard, and if anything some of its common sense. Like duh im gonna go to jail if i cut my foot off to skip performing a surgery on someone...it's just that i always mess it up. And it's supposed to be an easy module. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME SUCK AT IT IF IT'S SO EASY?????????????
I think the best course of action is to find what I suck at and force myself brutally and evilly to suck at it less. This means depriving myself of any stimuli until i memorize every axial joint and what degrees of movement each one allows

Ok can i...switch the topic? (lol)
I recently suffered a pretty bad period that was pill-induced, then a fever. I'll spare you the details (especially the period. It's pretty bad lol) but as I got sick, I started writing a...Gackt x Sho fanfic? So far, only two people have seen this fanfic. It was a first for a lot of things (namely smut), so it was definitely a nice step out of my comfort zone www when I showed it to Ari, she liked it despite not really being into Gakukiri (which i consider a win TBH. The...her liking it part, i mean ^^") AND she proposed we do a daruupa trade where she drew me Jun and Kenji, and I wrote her a Jun and Kenji fic. So far, I started it, and...that's about it (lol) but i hope to finish it before my midterms finish~~~ she already finished her part of the trade!!! It was really really cute and seeing it made my day so I'm hoping my fic lives up to how good her part was T_T I want reading it to be nice...I planned on making it bittersweet as per her request, but so far idk if it'll go in the bittersweet direction. Or maybe it will, actually, now that im thinking about it! (lol)
I honestly dont even know why I've started to like Gakukiri so much. I get scared interacting with content of him considering ~4 gackt fans give or take probably still remember my tasteless (but also kinda funny) tweet from a year ago and (probably rightfully so) hold a grudge against me for it. I like Gackt when he's kind to Sho. How far can his "kindness" towards him go? That thought strikes me as reallyyyyy hot.
(ahem)
This whole trade also made me think, wow, am i really the kind of person who deserves cute art from her friends? That's surprising...if i am. I feel like i can never do anything. I can barely draw, barely write, barely even blog, all i do is just hope i can get somewhere in life. So the thought of me getting something so nice strikes me as impossible sometimes and totally possible some other times. In the end, I feel thankful. I hope i can keep doing things that make me really deserve getting nice things from other people I cherish, both online and irl.

Has anything else of note happened...? Well, i met these two girls at uni. Apparently my cousin knows them, one of them went crazy when i mentioned her!!!! She seems very kind though, she liked my insta when i showed it to her and called it her "stimboard"...they're both really nice girls. I hope i can see them more often. <3 
I've been listening to WITHOUT YOU by Delaction feat. Chika a lot. It's my favorite Hime Trance song now.
If you actually read this...tell me what your favorite Hime Trance song is!

I want to live up to all the nice things people say about me. I really do. 
I'll work on the fic i owe ari then maybe go to bed...lol

Good night!

~Cat

Yeah, thank goodness

I really can't get used to any of this; i just can't! It feels like my life is changing way too fast...is college always like that? I haven't stayed in Egypt for such a long period of time since...well...2021...(lol) and now i have to do it all over again, but alone, and with a bunch of college stuff on my plate...

Yesterday, i got back from staying at my cousins house...it was really nice being with family. They were really kind to me, and it was just really heartwarming.
Me and my younger cousin played undertale, and we did a genocide route. We voiced the characters together (and ended up shouting our favorite lines really loud, effectively annoying everyone in the house), fought some of the big bosses together, and we even got GONER KID?!!??!?!?!?!? Baby's first (not) gaster related fun value event. I also ragequitted during sans

I haven't had it in me to blog. I know you've heard it time after time from me, but i just dont! I don't have it in me to do a lot of things, really. There's a lot i have to do, but it's not, like, a lot, you know?

I don't have it in me to do anything. All i can do is get angry. All i can do is get sick over and over and recover over and over. All i can do is try. I try and try. I avoid trying and i avoid trying...

~Cat

Sorry I Forgot To Blog I Was Too Busy Playing Undertale

(unrelated)

Haha...nice weather, huh? ^-^"

Ok, I have nothing to justify how much I've been slacking. Sorry! When you're finally done with uni documents YOU'LL wanna waste all your time gaming too

August is usually a polarizing month for me; it's my birthday month, but for the past two years, it's also been results month, and i never do THAT well so my results are...fine but also not. If it werent for me already being in uni id be doomed but...the least i can do is change ^-^" right...

I know it wont do anything, but im hoping i can change.

It's like 2 am and im trying to blog again...

I've been playing Undertale.

I've known about it for...as long as it's been a thing. I think.

It was through repeated exposure, really. Sans. Mostly. It was mostly Sans.

I didn't play it until now. 

It's very good.

The pacifist ending made me cry. I'm serious. 

I love Mettaton EX and i want him to start cooking all my meals...Maidatton EX? Housewifeton EX? Mywifeton EX? Mettaton S-EX? Get it? Do you get it

That's probably the name of some R18 Mettaton doujinshi...where can i buy it?

I'm currently doing a genocide run. Sans is really making me wanna reset my save file.

Besides that, I've been trying to go to the gym more! I didnt go today or yesterday, but i hope i can go tomorrow. I mostly just do cardio. It's going fine. It feels nice going again <3 Plus, exercising more means i can eat more! Yum! 

Yesterday, some clothes i got finally arrived! Nothing cool, just stuff i got while my mom was shopping off of the same store. I can't wait to style them~ 

I've been really into neutrals...and wrap-around blouses. They fit me so nicely, much better than hoodies. I bought a few for winter. 2 of them are navy blue and one is this green pattern. I dont remember ordering either but my mom insisted i keep them. I hate how good they look. I dont have much navy in my closet so i dont know what to pair with them...ugh.

I've also been really into 姫デコRosé. It's a very nice magazine...there's some scans of it on the galkurabu instagram and i like how easy the looks are. Theyre the best no-lashes and no-contacts make ive come across that isnt oldschool...being gal has never been easier!

I'm still debating whether im gal or not. Maybe i can call myself that once i thin my brows out...lol

Good night! I should probably sleep...

~Cat

A little talk

It happens every time...

Every time, without fail, i open a blogger window,

type a few lines,

save it as a draft,

and never come back to it again.

This summer has been tedious. For one, my Egypt trip involved a LOT of going to Cairo, surviving off of me and my mom's mobile data (lol), and finishing up college docs. 

College as a whole seems to be finalized ^.^ I'm officially a student, and i'm starting medical school. I know right? A total dweeb like me going into medical school (lol) truth is, i actually wanted to get into something web design related, but it requires taking AS math, and i am...not good at math. So that idea was scrapped in favor of Anything Else. It seems like more of the easier options (at least when it comes to Egypt) require math to some degree...actually, just about everything requires AS math. It's incredibly tough because it narrows your options really badly if you arent good at math. First world problems right?

Ive been trying to the best of my abilities to keep me getting into med school a secret. When i got PCOS last year, it made me think about how much i want to help other women not hate their bodies like i did at the time. I wanna get into gynecology, to be specific...

But finally getting in has made me come to this very weird epiphany that no matter how much i try, how much i succeed, how much i fail, i will never be as free as i am now ever again for the next 5 autumns of my life, maybe even more. I wonder how i can cope with that. Medical school's going to leave me too busy to even want to do anything anymore. At least, that's how i think it'll be. That and the social environment in Egypt is really different. Everyone's a micro-celeb of sorts, and they'll eat you alive if you're not. According to my mom, at least. Oh well. Too bad i like having a private instagram.

Generally, what's supposed to happen as soon as med school starts is a total change of the self. Everything i like can not be enjoyed unless i earn the right to enjoy it. 

I have to molt, figuratively speaking. Total change. Nothing can stay the same.

I guess only time will tell if i'll be able to handle med school...

I want to go to Japan sometime within the next two years; maybe once i get a hold of a job (so i dont rely on feloos mama w baba alone) and once i get around my med school schedule. Maybe before Kenji turns 50 or something. I don't know. But just becaue the wrappers got wrinkles doesnt mean it isnt sweet.........

I just really want to go; preferably alone, but i wouldnt mind taking someone with me. But it's gonna be tough there...all the cute 4D jellies have pork-derived whatever-the-hell in them, all the sushi uses sake to keep the rice together, and if im going to see a bunch of dudes prance around on-stage, the LEAST i can do is make sure no alcohol or pig meat enters my oh so beautiful mouth u,u of course, there ARE halal places in the country, no? 

Hmph...

but there is a bit of nuance on alcohol in food though, no?

I'm glad to still be here, at least. I got more CDs and DVDs lately, and i hope i can squeeze one last buyee haul before college starts...but that's impossible.

I got my hands on MUKASHI NO KINBAKU. I watched the first disc. Fun~~ four more discs to go...

I also found a flac file of this one song i was obsessed with a year or so ago, Marco by $WAGGOT. I'm not that deep into his stuff but that song is so catchy to me. Now i can keep it safe...forever.

Bye!

~Cat

Ichigo! Ichigo!

Ok~ a bit of a minipost since there hasn't been all too much going on. 
Recently, I went to Cairo. There was literally no wi-fi there, and something about that felt...nightmarish. No idea why. While not the reason, I had a hard time sleeping while we were there. 
We stayed in a pretty nice place, though. I liked it a lot. That's all I can say that's worth noting, I think? 

Hm, I've been staring at my screen trying to think of what to write. I guess that's everything.

Anyways! Last night, my wi-fi went out and it forced me to A) start a Naruken x Junko fanfic and B) listen to some of the mp3s I had on my laptop...

One of these mp3s i had downloaded was actually one from a band i've been meaning to listen to called HEAR. Their full name's...Kansai Hentai-kei Owarai Band HEAR. What a mouthful. Can bands go back to giving themselves long names? I miss that...

I listened to their Ichigo-kari No Yoru album. Good stuff. I liked the first half of the album too...

My mind's going blank, so i guess i'll leave you all with this minipost. Have a nice day!

A scan i found in one of their albums that i DLed. Cuuuute T~T

~Cat

Doing more stuff, hopefully

Hi! Hope everyone's well. 

As of writing this, I'm in Egypt! \(^^)/ Woohoo!

Ideally, I'd be asleep. I'm going to Cairo first thing in the morning...but instead, I'm blogging. My phone's charging using my powerbank right next to me because I hate leaving it to charge anywhere else. I'm spying on my powerbank's battery life like YOU BETTER LET ME CHARGE MY PHONE FULLY!!

There's a lot to do, but it's probably too early to do it all. It's been a fun few days so far though! Mostly, I've just been...uhm...a slob. But a fun, cute slob nevertheless. 

I stole took my mom's old grey jacket, and it is ADORABLE. It's the only jacket ive been wearing when i go out. That and a T-shirt and wide leg jeans. Do i like the jeans? Not really, no. But if it's a change that needs to happen, I guess I'll wear the jeans!

Ok, now it's time to talk about everything that's happened these past few days leading up to now! There won't be too much pics, so just use your imagination, ok? I did take tons of pics, but they're all of my classmates, and just putting them up here without asking would be pretty audacious of me, no? 

So, on the 24th, a day before we left, I hung out with my friends for one last dinner together. I feel like there's a strange banishment between me and hangouts with my classmates, as in i never know they happen until a classmate posts about it, so i could NOT let this opportunity pass me by any means. I had to join!! 

I was there fairly early compared to everyone else. My friend told me to meet her at this coffee shop when in actuality, she was in another one that was across the shop in question! =.= It was a pretty annoying two-minute walk. 

Her and my other classmate were there. She got a matcha, and it tasted...interesting. Kinda like if a coconut was a plant and not a fruit, if that makes sense, with a weird grass aftertaste. I'd drink it if it meant i'd get some money for drinking it. I told myself not to get anything, but I got a caramel macchiato. Yum. My usual is that with a cinnamon donut, but I decided against getting one since...I was gonna have lunch, you know? (lol)

So, more girls arrive, and we're seated at this Asian restaurant. All of us order a bunch of different things, but I got sweet and sour chicken with plain noodles, and dumplings as an appetizer. I love that place's dumplings T~T so good...I'd eat like 10 in one sitting...

I didn't end up finishing the noodles since they were pretty filling, but I did devour the chicken. Yum...

Now that that's over, we make our way to the pharmacy to buy makeup.

I kept them waiting because I found a cute eye pencil i wanted. I've been meaning to buy myself a pencil eyeliner, so why not buy a cheap one? It was worth it, but ive yet to use it in a look of mine...it should be a nice alternative to liquid eyeliner...

Ok, that's over. MORE WALKING AROUND THE MALL!!!! We went to the bookstore for like 5 minutes, and we do literally nothing besides make fun of the books. I went looking for cute stickers to no avail. That was about it.

Then we make our way back to the cafes to get ourselves a treat! I had already gotten a caramel macchiato, so i got myself a cinnamon roll cake slice. God, it was delicious. So sweet, but the cinnamon taste helps balance it out. I couldn't eat it all, so i just had the rest the next day. The pics below are the only ones not of me or my friends.

Hey, nice segway into the next major event, Cat. 

Thanks, Cat! 

Ok, the big day rolls around, and I regret not having napped earlier. I leave behind my last box of mac n cheese, and then, after way too much preparation, we make it to...the airport! (kirakira)

I took this on a whim. Why is Naruken in my wallet? For good fortune?

As soon as we got to the airport, my mom was like, Oh! We forgot gum! So i went and bought us some. Strawberry flavored. Because mint is gross and strawberry is cute. That's a fact that can not be dispelled. 

Sooner or later, we end up in the only good part of the airport. The lounge. It's clean. It's pristine. There's a chocolate counter. There was a guy snoring on a couch. Is this not the finest lounge experience you can get?

The buffet had subpar ravioli, a nice pumpkin soup, and mini cans of Pepsi. Once we were done dining, I went to the chocolate counter.

There, they had a bunch of...well, chocolate! I got this caramel stuffed one (which i shouldve gotten 10 more of), a hazelnut chocolate bark piece (which i also shouldve gotten 10 more of), and this other one with a crunchy chocolate interior. Ahh, how nice it is to eat a bunch of sweet shit...

After that came an hour of waiting. 

Just us lounging until we hear...the final call!!!!

We gotta go!!! I snag some cheese pieces to snack on and some soda to drink, and then it's running to our gate!!!

After a bunch of adrenaline being wasted, we're on our plane, safe and sound. I get the window seat (as usual~) and i spend the whole flight listening to my mp3s.

Here are some misc pics i took once we arrived. I got some can badges with me for...whenever i needed to spice up my outfits. They should still be in my carry-on unless i fucked up and did something stupid (lol)

That was just about everything fun that's happened (lol)

As of now, I'm waiting on my wish me mell cheki holder to be marked as...at the warehouse so i can ship it. It's mundane, but i cant wait to hip my buyee haul out. I haven't bought misc. stuff in so long, and one of the things i got was a novelty mirror from my favorite gyaru brand, TRALALA. I'm so happy~ 

Today, i was pretty lazy. Could barely get off of bed. I feel bad about it. I had a weird dream that i can barely remember; i do remember it reminding me of a weird part of my childhood where me and my parents would go to resorts and the shopping centers near them, and just how futuristic they seemed to me...

I had a sandwich for lunch, by the way. Delish...

Ah! Here's something I'm thinking about. 

Yesterday, I joined a VC in a server i'm in. 

It was fun, but i really can't get over how much i stumbled on my words. In the end, i just sounded like a total idiot. I'm not usually that dumb, but i may have cemented my status as...kinda dumb nonetheless. Why did i keep acting the way i did? I'm not usually that forgetful or stupid...I can articulate my points and put those points together to form a sentence most of the time.

I was pretty dizzy though. 

That and also, i need to play more games. 

I do not play enough games.

My friend told me about this VN called Narcissu 1&2. the synopsis alone makes me think "wow, that's probs gonna make me cry my eyes out. why not?" (lol) Plus, the english website seems cool.

Now, I'm gonna go to bed. My powerbank's almost dead. Shit.

Good night!

~Cat

Yarebadekiru Ko + talking

Back in early April, right after eid, I bought a bunch of Golden Bomber DVDs. I had to ship them out in like 2 separate packages...very expensive ;_;

Since this was during peak exam season, I couldn't really watch any of them to my hearts desire. 

But now, at midnight, I'm watching Yarebadekiru Ko instead of sleeping.

It's good so far, and I'm only on Boku Quest (lol) 

I know I'll get distracted watching to take more cute phone pics (well obvi! I didn't buy the limited edition of this DVD for nothing!) but here are some iPhone 6 pics:

 

I'm really sorry for the lack of updates.

Exams have calmed down by a lot (I only have 2 left!) and they don't matter as much anymore for a reason I can't share <3 I guess that means I can finally watch my DVDs past the intro and stageplays now? (lol)

Yarebadekiru Ko is probably a new favorite of mine...the tour plot is funny, the venue's a good size (I LOVE LOVE LOVE zepp venues. I hope to see a band live in one someday) and the audience shots are really nice. The stageplay is also really funny and a nice satire take on male idol culture <3 I liked Darukeiko. Kenji's OL voice is like ear candy to me...

One thing April gave me was a huge DVD haul that I mentioned earlier. It was probably my biggest DVD haul yet, considering I could only buy CDs and DVDs anyways. I just wish i could've convinced my mom to let me get an acrylic stand of Kenji (lol)

Things are changing really, really fast. I wish i could be stuck like this forever, watching Golden Bomber DVDs on my bed, but it feels like I've been stagnant for forever now. I have to move forward and I have to be there to see my life change. It feels weird; almost like I'm gonna molt and shed my skin, forming a new version of myself. I don't know what to do...maybe I'll watch another DVD (lol)

Another thing I've been thinking about is how mature or immature I may seem to others. It feels like, with all my longterm mutuals that I rarely speak to, they really only know this bastardized version of me from the past. I can't help but wonder if their perception of me has ever changed, or will ever change. It probably also applies to longterm friends, maybe? But I change a lot...so who knows if i really seem better or worse to everyone who I've known for a long while.

Bye!

~Cat

04.10.09 ~ Lazy lovepost dedicated to Kenji

(Note: I never really finished this on time but i dont care. Im making the post date for this the 10th anyways because that was when I started typing it. I also just get a bit sappy here so if you feel like that isnt for you or youre going to take it as a chance to be a bitch then just close the blog tab and breathe some fresh air. Thank you!)

The date that I made the title of this post is very very special. It's not related to me, personally, but it does relate to someone I really like; Kenji Darvish from Golden Bomber. 

April 10th, 2009 marked the first oneman live after their former drummer, Dankichi Tenkujou, left the band. It was that same concert that Kenji debuted as their new drummer. 

In 2020, I listened to a Golden Bomber song for the first time (well, kind of...) since I was into pop'n music and i eventually got into GB because my favorite character had Memeshikute as one of his songs. It was then that I kind of went down a rabbit hole of listening to a bunch of GB, when I stopped on one song; a very recent one at the time, Tatsuo, Yome wo Ore ni Kure. Besides the fact that the album it's from kind of sucks, that song singlehandedly made me think, wow, I really, really, really love Kenji. 

And love I did! Albeit GB was more of a casual interest of mine...but I remember binging a lot of Kenji-specific content.

Back to now...I feel like ever since 2023, there hasn't been a single day in my life that I have gone without spotting Kenji's face somewhere in my life. I have a phone charm of him attached to my phone at all times. I have a picture of him as my laptop wallpaper. I have a picture of him as my phone wallpaper. I have a memorial photo album from 2011 that i confide in whenever I just want a cute picture to look at. Every bag that I take out with me has a can badge holder with can badges of him inside. If you know me on a surface level, one of the things you know is how Kenji's my honmei, and if you've known me for a bit, you'd know I own merch of him. It pales in comparison to other collections I've seen, but I love everything dearly...maybe that, in a way, makes it a bigger collection (???)...

It's stupid; the fact that i'm dedicating a blog post to a 44 year old that has no idea I exist is very, very stupid. But I feel like I owe him something; a tiny tribute of my love, a sign of gratitude for all the times I've felt like the scum of the earth and all i needed to save me was a photo, a funny video, a DVD, quite literally anything related to Kenji. As stupid as it is, I can't help but feel the need to thank him, at least in a fan-to-idol type of way (lol). 

So much time has passed since 2009, and Kenji has changed so much; from his makeup style to his outfits to just the way he speaks to the audience in MCs, he's the type of person that's constantly changing, and it's almost always for the better. That kind of change takes discipline, and a kind of self-respect that i really do not see myself attaining (lol)...I feel like it makes him very admirable to me. I say this in more of a respect way, if that makes sense. Of course, it's not the most mentally stable behavior to put someone on that high of a pedestal, but i'm just saying this out of a place of respect. I hope it comes off like that naturally without me clarifying it (lol)

Thank you, Kenji, from the bottom of my heart. You've made Golden Bomber one of the most meaningful bands I've ever listened to, and it's just because you sit behind a drum set pretending to play with an iPod taped on the drum next to you. 

Thank you for always smiling and singing along.

I think that's essentially everything that's on my mind. I hate being this vulnerable but i feel like i've been meaning to make a post like this for way too long that i just can't help but dump all my thoughts (lol)

Mwah! Hugs and kisses! 

Thanks for reading!

Cat

Vacation mode ... burnout ... DVDs!

Hello! Ahh...it's been forever, but like, really, it's been forever. Ive been so burned out lately and it feels like blogging isnt so worth it anymore. But i feel like that mindset is kinda stupid. So ill just blog whenever i want.

How has March been treating everyone? It's been fine-ish for me. 

It was Ramadan, and i somehow managed to survive fasting through all of it (except for when i drank water on accident twice in a row in one day but we arent gonna talk about that its over now and i WILL be making that day up OKAY) without getting my period. 

Now i need to watch my diet much closer than usual because these past few days ive been getting horrible heartburn. Im only 18 and i feel like im 30 with how often my chests starts to hurt...this morning it hurt especially bad and i had to take some meds...ugh...

Besides that, i feel like ive just been burned out in terms of studying. It feels so daunting and i just can not be bothered anymore. Thankfully, its not over yet. There's a month left for me to get my shit together. Yay! ^o^ Its a bit crazy to think that after this, there will be no more a-levels or IGCSEs. there will be no more studying for anything besides school...wow. I hope i can work hard...

Sappy stuff aside, guess who (finally) got to order a bunch of DVDs~~~~~!!!!!!! MEEEEEE~~~~!!!!!

Everything that i got has a DVD, even the CDs! Well, except for the regular version of Yowasete Mojito, which was in a set containing every version of Yowasete Mojito. Mojito? Mojito...Mojito

The shokai genteiban ones even came with cards of Kenji! 

...and Kyan. >.> 

Uhm...what's this green bitch doing here! Speaking of Kyan, my friend's friend likes calling him 'petit lesbienne'. That's kinda cute...he's like the second shortest member behind Sho and i guess he could be lesbienne...if we gave him estrogen 

It feels so so so cathartic getting to order DVDs again. Besides my parents' burning hate (hyperbole...but theyve gotten sick of it...) for Buyee, my past hauls from oh I dunno HALF A YEAR AGO had no DVDs whatsoever! Partially because I had no more space on my poor little laptop. And no hard drive! So i figured I'd just wait on DVDs. 

Do i regret it? Slightly. I regret a lot of things. Like not buying that Life is all right feat. Kenji DVD before someone else got it. And not buying more cheki. I shouldve bought more cheki.

I bought 10 DVDs, 3 CD+DVD releases, and 1 CD. I'm so happy.

Today i shipped out all my individual DVDs, so like 6/10, since the other 4 came in sets. I'm waiting on my Golden Album CD+DVD to arrive to the warehouse for me to ship the last package out, but considering i bought it from that one red and white checkers CD store off of jp mercari (IYKYK) it'll take...a while... ;_; but it's whatever.

That and also there's a TAX I'LL HAVE TO PAY ONCE MY PACKAGE ARRIVES??????!!!!!! HUUUUUHHHH!!!!!!???? (said in a loud anime girl voice) it should be an inexpensive fee but...still a bummer :T i could buy myself a daiso lashes case with that money!

I hope to remember this blog again when my DVDs arrive. Take care of yourselves. 

Bye!

~Cat